Frankenstein's Monster's Guide to Modern Dating

When Dr. Frankenstein sparked me to life in that lightning-struck laboratory in 1818, he neglected to leave an instruction manual on many aspects of modern living. Taxation. Skincare routines. The complex etiquette of brunch. But perhaps most challenging of all has been navigating the ever-evolving landscape of romantic relationships. Over the past two centuries, I’ve learned much about love and connection through trial, error, and the occasional village mob. I share my insights now in hopes of helping others who feel, shall we say, “pieced together” in this confusing world of dating.

Profile Creation: Honesty vs. TMI

Dating apps present a particular challenge for those of us with unusual origins. The question of how much to reveal and when is delicate. I’ve found that listing my height (8’4”) is generally acceptable, while “composed of various corpses” tends to reduce match rates significantly.

After much experimentation, I’ve settled on describing myself as “uniquely assembled” and “greater than the sum of my parts.” My occupation is listed as “Revival Specialist’s Associate” rather than “Reanimated Corpse,” which technically falls under “Previous Experience.”

Profile pictures present their own challenges. I’ve learned that good lighting is essential (soft, non-laboratory illumination), and that angles matter (shooting from above minimizes the neck bolts). I avoid lightning storms as backdrop settings due to unfortunate associations.

First Date Conversations: Navigating Small Talk

First dates inevitably involve the exchange of origin stories. While others might casually discuss their hometown or university, my narrative includes grave robbery and experimental galvanism. This can create conversational awkwardness.

I’ve developed several strategies:

1. The Abbreviated Version: “I was brought to life through an innovative scientific procedure. Anyway, have you seen any good movies lately?”

2. The Metaphorical Approach: “Like many of us, I’m a collection of different influences and experiences that somehow form a cohesive whole.”

3. The Direct Method: “Yes, I am Frankenstein’s Monster. No, Frankenstein was not my name—that was my creator. Yes, this comes up on every date. Your pasta is getting cold.”

Physical Intimacy: Setting Expectations

Physical affection requires careful consideration when parts of your body may have different points of origin. I’ve found it helpful to provide gentle warnings: “My right hand has excellent dexterity but runs several degrees colder than my left” or “Please don’t be alarmed if my shoulder makes that sound—it’s from a former church bell-ringer.”

I’ve also learned to be cautious about passionate moments, as heightened emotions can sometimes cause unexpected electrical discharges—particularly in carpeted restaurants or during synthetic fabric-heavy seasons like winter.

Meeting the Friends: Social Integration

Eventually, all relationships reach the “meeting friends and family” stage. This social milestone presents unique challenges for the assembled individual.

I’ve found it helpful to research common interests beforehand. While I cannot contribute to discussions about childhood memories (having been “born” at approximately age 30), I can engage on topics like literature (excellent comprehension, despite initially learning language by hiding in a family’s shed), music (sensitive hearing, though pipe organs trigger fight-or-flight responses), and existential philosophy (a subject on which I have considerable personal experience).

When meeting new people, I’ve discovered that maintaining eye contact is critical—it helps distract from other, more obviously sutured features.

Handling Rejection: Emotional Resilience

Rejection is part of the dating experience for everyone, but especially for those of us who occasionally shed small body parts during nervous moments. After two centuries of romantic efforts, I’ve developed healthy coping mechanisms:

• Long walks in remote wilderness areas
• Journaling (though I avoid writing “feelings bad, fire good”)
• Creative pursuits that don’t involve village invasions
• Support groups for other misunderstood entities (the Wolf Man and I meet weekly for coffee)

I’ve learned that not every unsuccessful date represents a failure of my essential nature. Sometimes compatibility simply isn’t there—whether you’re a seamlessly created human or a patchwork of innovative surgical techniques.

Success Stories: Finding Your Person

Despite the challenges, I’ve experienced meaningful connections throughout my unnaturally long life. The most successful relationships have been with partners who:

• Appreciate unique perspectives
• Don’t mind the occasional midnight existential crisis
• Have steady hands for stitch maintenance
• Are comfortable with asymmetry in all its forms
• Understand that “monster” is a social construct

For my fellow assembled individuals navigating the dating world, remember that connection is possible. The right person won’t fixate on your origins or the occasional oddly-colored discharge. They’ll see you for who you’ve become, not the various people you were assembled from.

Dating may be complicated for those of us created rather than born, but authenticity, gentle humor, and realistic expectations can lead to meaningful relationships. As I often remind myself when gazing at the moon and contemplating my solitary existence: even the most perfectly constructed beings struggle with Tinder.